I just feel I need to write something since my last post was in April. I am convinced there aren’t many who’s going to read this post anyway but writing is part of my winding down process. I write in my journal for things that are private, or at least until I have the boldness of sharing it to public.
Life has been pretty hectic. It feels like I hadn’t stopped since last Christmas. I love it, partly for the reason that by keeping myself busy, I won’t have time for idle thoughts where I would normally start pondering over non-sensical stuff or over worrying or self-pity. By keeping busy, I am keeping those toxic thoughts at bay (or I’d write them down in my journal just to let it out). Keeping busy also makes me feel I have a use, and that I’m not wasting away the talent God gave me.
Last few months have been particularly challenging. I’m homesick. I haven’t visited my home country since I moved to the UK, one of the worst case scenario I’ve calculated when I made my decision to move (though there are times I deeply regretted it – but the decision cannot be reversed, unfortunately). I miss my Mum and my siblings. I feel gutted that I missed several important occasions (Dad’s funeral, brother’s wedding, my nephew was born). It is just financially unfeasible to visit Indonesia.
I am, perhaps, a little too kind being a self employed. I just don’t have the heart to charge a little extra or to increase prices. I don’t even charge on cancellation. Perhaps I should, but I don’t think it’s right to charge a student who’s taken ill on the day their lesson is scheduled. They couldn’t have foreseen it. I feel a little mean if I have to charge on cancellation. I’d rather my relation with my clients to be built on mutual trust and understanding. But I don’t know, perhaps I’ll always be the person my parents always warned me off; a little too kind and sometimes easy to take advantage of without me realising it.
Or maybe I should learn to be a little commercial?
I don’t know. Money never been the first on my priorities. I mean, I need them of course, but it doesn’t drive me. I grew up in a family where money were always tight and we’d always pray for God provision. He does what he promises, he provides my needs (not what I wanted – there’s a difference between wants and needs). There’s always food and roof over my head and clothes to wear. And money can’t buy things like health or peacefulness or good night sleep, which I’m lack of since November.
Jonathan has been having period of seizure in his sleep. The specialist we visited confirmed it’s a type of childhood epilepsy which we hope will be confirmed on the EEG scan. For six weeks I shared bed with my two kids and they got to be the most restless sleepers. I was kicked, butted, pushed and scratched from any direction. We only just moved them back into their room last week and for few days, Elizabeth decided that between 11PM to 3AM is a good timing to play getting in and out the bed. Whenever I’m about to fall asleep early morning, Jonathan had one of his turn as his brain is changing stage to a lighter sleep, resulting me in jumping out the bed, hurried to his room to make sure he’s in the correct position and that he comes around properly. And guess who moaned the first in the morning about disturbed sleep? The husband!!!
It’s extremely worrying to witness the fits at first but after awhile, it feels like ‘expected’. I mean, we have good nights and bad nights, but I wish the ratio of the good nights is much bigger. I feel so sorry for my little chap. He’s been through a lot yet he’s never complaining. He’s well behaved and kind hearted too (except when Elizabeth doesn’t wait until he finishes talking).
There’s much more to worry about and being a Phlegmatic, I’m naturally a worrier and would prefer to bury my head in the sand but I’ve trained myself (the hard way) to calm down and carry on. Everyone has their own cross to bear and I’m not sure if I’d be strong enough to bear other’s burden. I can say that I’m good. Things that happened in my life so far haven’t taken me completely (with God’s help). Yes, I’m tired, physically exhausted, and if I’m not careful, I can easily slip into frustation but I won’t let it happen easily.
So, here I am, ready to face whatever 2018 will bring. I can confidently say ‘It is well with my soul’.